Shame-resilient noveling
I love how outrageous it is to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. I love the courage it takes to commit to doing something that stupid. I love the freedom to write terribly and love it anyway.
And, I still feel shame. I feel ashamed that my novels aren't serious enough. That the plot drifts here and there and doesn't settle into anything recognizable. That I don't capture timeless insights into human nature and express them eloquently.
The whole point of NaNoWriMo is to let go of the shame and self-criticism that accompanies most new, or creative, ventures. But shame is so deeply embedded in the way I approach the world that I find I can't quite let it go. So, in the spirit of Brene Brown's work on shame resilience and vulnerability, here are some thoughts on a shame-resilient nanowrimo experience.
It's ok to feel ashamed. It's something I've learned very deeply from early experiences and from my current line of work. But it's helpful to remember that the proper metric for evaluating my novel (which shouldn't even be evaluated anyway, because quality is completely besides the point) is not a published novel. The proper metric for evaluating my novel would be something more like: a) how much fun I had, b) how courageous I was, c) how well I navigated the low points where I felt bored, depressed, etc. By this standard, all of my novels are pretty exemplary. I think I could be more courageous; it's hard for me not to think of my audience, and censor myself, as I write. I worry that people will get too much insight into me when they read my work, and I'm a pretty private person so that's hard for me.
It can be helpful to share my work and my feelings with other people. This blog helps me to do so and I highly doubt I would have ever finished NaNoWriMo without the support of Jackie, Jill, Sam, Katie, Scott, and Heather. They are super supportive of my writing and appreciate its good qualities. And, they sympathize at the low points and help to cheer me on.
This year will be a new challenge, doing NaNoWriMo in its proper month (November) and connecting with other friends and acquaintances and strangers, letting more people in to see my process and product. That takes courage and I hope it will work out well; but ultimately, the whole point of courage is not knowing what the outcome will be, but doing it anyway. So, new readers, I hope you are gentle with me, and I hope you will share your vulnerability with me as well!
And, I still feel shame. I feel ashamed that my novels aren't serious enough. That the plot drifts here and there and doesn't settle into anything recognizable. That I don't capture timeless insights into human nature and express them eloquently.
The whole point of NaNoWriMo is to let go of the shame and self-criticism that accompanies most new, or creative, ventures. But shame is so deeply embedded in the way I approach the world that I find I can't quite let it go. So, in the spirit of Brene Brown's work on shame resilience and vulnerability, here are some thoughts on a shame-resilient nanowrimo experience.
It's ok to feel ashamed. It's something I've learned very deeply from early experiences and from my current line of work. But it's helpful to remember that the proper metric for evaluating my novel (which shouldn't even be evaluated anyway, because quality is completely besides the point) is not a published novel. The proper metric for evaluating my novel would be something more like: a) how much fun I had, b) how courageous I was, c) how well I navigated the low points where I felt bored, depressed, etc. By this standard, all of my novels are pretty exemplary. I think I could be more courageous; it's hard for me not to think of my audience, and censor myself, as I write. I worry that people will get too much insight into me when they read my work, and I'm a pretty private person so that's hard for me.
It can be helpful to share my work and my feelings with other people. This blog helps me to do so and I highly doubt I would have ever finished NaNoWriMo without the support of Jackie, Jill, Sam, Katie, Scott, and Heather. They are super supportive of my writing and appreciate its good qualities. And, they sympathize at the low points and help to cheer me on.
This year will be a new challenge, doing NaNoWriMo in its proper month (November) and connecting with other friends and acquaintances and strangers, letting more people in to see my process and product. That takes courage and I hope it will work out well; but ultimately, the whole point of courage is not knowing what the outcome will be, but doing it anyway. So, new readers, I hope you are gentle with me, and I hope you will share your vulnerability with me as well!
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