$$$$, 22,542 words
I've reached the glorious time when I only care about making jokes and everything is easy.
Some context for this excerpt... Fenn, Gordon, Cody Simpson and Flo Rida were chased out of the Toodie-Loo! employment agency by someone acting on behalf of the Mayor of West Villageton. They escaped in the metallic purple stretch limo third-rate chauffeured by Marg (winner of the Bridal Keepie Uppie contest) and Bailey. At the time of this excerpt, they are hiding in a cemetery behind a church.
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| the getaway car |
By the way, West Villageton is the village where Bailey and Marg live (and that has the barbaric wedding customs), which is different from the small town where Jackie's Place, Toodie-Loo! and Toodle-Ooh! are.
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“Does anyone need a cape?” Gordon asked. “They are the Xanax of the clothing world. Or if you prefer, I have some government-funded plastic fangs in day-glo colors. They are the piquette of the joke teeth world.”
Flo Rida and Cody took both capes and fangs. Fenn desperately wanted a Xanax or piquette for real, or some baby aspirin, or Galadriel’s arms around them. But they knew they were both too cool, and not cool enough, to pull off the cape and fang look, so they declined Gordon’s offer. Bailey and Marg, of course, took one cape and wrapped it around the two of them, then whispered and giggled in a very distracting way.
Fenn intervened. “Weren’t you going into the church? You’ve got some wedding planning to do?” Bailey and Marg just giggled. Ugh. Fenn decided it was better to ignore them. They turned back to Jackie. “What did you say about the mayor? Anyway, who IS the mayor of this town (whose name I don't appear to remember)?”
Gordon shook his head. “Jackie’s the mayor of the town where we are presently located, which doesn’t actually have a name, as such. As it were. Kind of like Prince, we changed our name to the symbol $$$$ a few years ago, in a bid I spearheaded when I chaired the Ad Hoc Postmodernization Committee of the Business Improvement Association board. Some people try to call us ‘dollar sign dollar sign dollar sign dollar sign’ but that’s not our name. Our name is” here Gordon shut his mouth, squinted his eyes as if in thought, and paused for a moment. “I was thinking about four dollar signs in a row just then,” it explained. “ANYWAY the name of the town is irrelevant and I’ll ask you to please stop sidetracking the conversation. Normally I’m happy to answer questions about my dissertation, but this is not the time. It wasn’t our mayor who caused that racket. It was Jorn “Jorts” Acorn, he/him, the mayor of West Villageton.”
“Kind of out of his jurisdiction, isn’t he?” asked Fenn.
“Definite power grab,” murmured Jorts Simpson. “I can’t believe they had the nerve to interrupt my time management seminar… Don’t they know that every moment, that is stolen, it can never be replaced? Aye aye aye.” Cody’s jaw was chiseled.
“Definite interference with federal government business,” Gordon said. “I think we have ground to call in Jocelyn Desmond on this one. She absolutely loves hearing about malfeasance of all kinds. I remember when I was writing my dissertation--” Gordon stopped, closed its eyes, and with a visible strain, said “No, Gordon, this is not the time. Focus. Focus. Dissertation comes later.”
Marg popped her (?) head out of the cape and said, “but what did Jorts want?”
“I want to continue my seminar!” Cody “Jorts” Simpson said. Cody's hair flopped appealingly in front of his cornflower blue eyes.
“No, the other Jorts,” said Marg. “Jorn “Jorts” Acorn, mayor of West Villageton.”
“There’s only one way to find out,” said Gordon. Which was obviously not true, but sometimes, you let Gordon have his way and don’t argue.
You sure have hit your stride! I'm also at that fun stage of writing where everything is a joke, each one funnier than the last. So many things to love here. Day glo fangs are the piquette of the joke teeth world! The $$$$ town name - which I used liberally in my excerpt today :) Mixing up the two different people with the nickname "Jorts" (I wondered when/if that would happen!). Gordon barely being able to contain himself from always talking about his dissertation. Round of applause!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wild ride! I am completely loving where this is going, in a metallic purple stretch limo third-rate chauffeured by Marg. Are Marg and Bailey actually into each other? I had assumed it was some kind of Hallmark channel-esque fake engagement. Although maybe, like in the Hallmark channel, it's become real?
ReplyDelete"The Ad Hoc Postmodernization Committee of the Business Improvement Association board" -- how do I get on this???
"Normally I’m happy to answer questions about my dissertation, but this is not the time." I was chilled to the bone by this statement. Things must be serious if Gordon is declining to answer questions about his dissertation.
“I can’t believe they had the nerve to interrupt my time management seminar… Don’t they know that every moment, that is stolen, it can never be replaced? Aye aye aye.” Cody’s jaw was chiseled.
Just pure poetry. Anyone who interrupts Jorts Simpson's time management seminar deserves exactly what is coming to them.
“There’s only one way to find out,” said Gordon. Which was obviously not true, but sometimes, you let Gordon have his way and don’t argue.
It doesn't sound very postmodern to say that there is only one way to find out something. Did Gordon even pass his dissertation defense?
Okay- for starters, the opening paragraph of this post giving context- is so bonkers and laugh out loud funny- I had to stop and read it multiple times just to make sure I got it all. The decision to use a purple stretch limo as a getaway car seems... ill-advised, but who am I to argue with Jorts Simpson, Flo-Rida (which btw, in another excerpt where Florida was referenced multiple times, I always read it as Flo-Rida), or third-rate chauffeurs?
ReplyDeleteAll the quotes listed above and more are sheer perfection. I will add "Jocelyn Desmond loves hearing about malfeasance of all kinds," as a stroke of brilliance. I feel like someone should read an article in which Jocelyn Desmond is quoted as saying "as everyone knows, I love hearing about malfeasance of all kinds."
A novel in which there’s not just one but two characters with the name GEORGE, this is brilliant. I loved every line. I love that point in as no Remo when our authors fully commit to jokes on the Esmonde‘s will get. The postmodern business committee sounds abhorrent and necessary, I am pretty sure the city of Toronto is run by one. I have fully committed to writing all of my comments this year by voice to text without making any corrections.
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