why would anyone want a plot when they can have artisanal cheese puffs? 24,559 words
2000 words of NOTHING HAPPENING.
The resistance (against Jorn Acorn) are meeting in a back room of Jackie's Place to discuss tactics. They do not discuss tactics. Instead...
Bailey went to the rickety chalkboard that had been placed at the front of the room. Before she could speak, Cody “Jorts” Simpson interrupted.
“I think we could all use a little pick-me-up, yeah? I brought some bags of my new artisanal cheese puffs. Fun story, my fellow members of the Australian Olympic team used to always joke that my abs were so ‘great’ you could ‘grate’ cheese on them. It turns out the joke was on them! Not only can you grate cheese, my abs are so powerful that the cheese instantly turns to dust! Every grain of cheese dust on my artisanal cheese puffs has been grated by these very abs you see here today.”
Cody lifted his graphic tee, and pandemonium broke loose. Some people shrieked and ran towards Cody. Some shrieked and hid under the table, because the abs were so powerful they were almost blinding. Some shrieked and tore open the bags of cheese puffs – a little confusing, because the bags were themselves artisanal, made of cloth, and tied with a ribbon – and began shoving them in their mouths. Some people shrieked and tried to run towards Cody while also hiding under the table and shoving cheese puffs into their mouths.
Fenn just stood there, stunned. Their mouth was hanging open so wide that a cheese puff flew into it. It instantly began to melt in Fenn’s mouth, and the taste was like an entire choir of angels singing while baby unicorns frolicked in the rainbow mist of the most beautiful sunrise you have ever seen. Fenn began to weep, and thought, I have never known true love until this moment.
“Enough!” roared Jackie. “This meeting could have been an email. And henceforth, it will be! I will write an email with one proposal. Galadriel, you reply with the other proposal. Everyone one else, chime in with any amendments or counter proposals. We meet here at 6am to vote and draw up our plan of action. Cody “Jorts” Simpson needs us, and I will not tolerate any more delay. You are dismissed.”
Everyone meekly filed out of the room, trampling cheese dust into the ground.
I beg to differ, Indigo. There is so much plot here that I was blinded by it. Or was it my imagining of Cody Simpson‘s abs? Holy hell, I’m so happy to be getting caught up on the blogs and finding out that Jorts Simpson is not just a plot point but an entire fully developed character. Those cheese puffs sound amazing, I already thought of poetry and unicorns when I had a simple bag of Cheetos. To think they could be better, could only be the work of Jorts Simpson.
ReplyDeleteI obviously think this is perfect, having incorporated it (seemlessly?) into my own writing this morning. There is so much to love here. I am left with only one question: do Cody's abs have multiple grating settings, such that he could produce a fine dust fit for cheetos AND a coarser grate fit for a nice lasagna?
ReplyDeleteThis was just fucking perfection. Abs so "great" you can "grate" cheese off of them is exactly what we needed to return to this EsNoWriMo. If I had been lucky enough to be in the room when this happened, I would have been one of the people shrieking and running towards Cody "Jorts" Simpson and also eating the cheese puffs. There's no way I could choose between those actions.
ReplyDeleteAlso, ending a meeting with "this could have been an email!" will be at the centre of my new leadership style. Maybe I need a Cosmo quiz to help me refine my leadership vibe.
I was laughing so hard when I read this that an errant cheese puff flew into my mouth. I'm so glad it wasn't a fly.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant, brilliant, brilliant.