plagiarizing my way to the top, 39,689 words

 Writing has been tough -- I decided this year I'm not powering through anything, and so I haven't been forcing myself. Pair that with something going on where I'm needing 10-12 hours of sleep a night, plus naps... and I haven't had a lot of writing time. 

In desperation, I turned to James van der Beek and Katie for support. Here's a nice long excerpt, mostly written by Katie. 

There was a knock at the door. How did this mysterious James know that it was the exact right moment to enter the scene? Fenn would never know. 

Nick opened the door to American actor, James van der Beek, looking exactly like himself, sandy pale brown hair slicked back, wearing chinos – with one notable difference: he had virulent red lipstick smeared across the lower half of his face.. 

“Hi! I hope you don’t mind that I just stopped by. I’m in town filming Mrs. Miracle Strikes Again, the horror sequel to Mrs. Miracle. I don’t want to spoil it, but it’s about Mrs. Miracle exacting revenge on everyone who has ever crossed her, by smearing unremovable lipstick on their faces. She is assisted by my character’s two precocious and evil twin children. It is utterly macabre.”

Nick gestured towards James’s face, said “you got a little something, buddy,” and James darted into the bathroom, returning with a clean face and an embarrassed blush.

“So, Nick thinks my Celebrity Feuds Support Group can help you,” James said. “I’m here to answer all your questions and whisk you away to our retreat centre.”

“Celebrity Feuds Support Group?” Fenn asked. 

“Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of us!” James shook his head but kept his jovial grin. He was utterly unflappable. “Everyone knows that in my most famous role, that of Dawson Leery, I was well known for my character’s feud with his former best friend, Pacey Witter, played by Joshua Jackson, over the love of Joey Potter.”

“Well yes, of course!” Fenn replied. 

“What people might not know is that being one side of this feud, even though it was fictional, took a significant toll on me. I just felt so sad being separated from my best friend, over a girl!” 

James began to visibly choke up. Fenn wasn’t quite sure what to do. Should they pat his shoulder? Offer their condolences? They settled on awkwardly doing nothing.

“I vowed, after an especially heated scene with Jackson, to do everything in my power to prevent feuds from ever happening again. I am especially concerned about celebrity feuds, since celebrities are so misunderstood and the goings-on of those fights are covered so insensitively by the media. So, I started the Celebrity Feuds Support Group. It’s a nonjudgmental and safe space where one or more participants in a feud can get together to air their grievances and mend bridges.” James looked so proud. “I’ve helped Taylor Kitsch and David Boreanaz heal the rift that began at the 2017 NHL All-Star Celebrity Shoot-Out at the Los Angeles Convention Centre in Los Angeles, California, United States of America. Apparently some dumb fuck had thought it was a smart idea to put the rivals on Team Lemieux, which was to face off against Team Gretzky. Things had started off well enough—the pair were separated by several other players in the shootout. But when Kitsch decided to initiate some intra-team chirping—shouting “I’ve seen better wheels on a canoe!” towards Boreanaz as he was winding up for his shot, causing him to embarrassingly misfire—tensions escalated. When Boreanaz shouted “You suck, thirty seven!” as Kitsch was preparing to take his final shot, Kitsch skipped the shot and skated at full speed towards Boreanaz instead, and the two exchanged punches in front of an enthralled crowd. 

“The All-Star Celebrity Shoot-Out had been organized to benefit Echoes of Hope, a nonprofit organization founded by Luc and Stacia Robitaille, which strives to inspire hope in the lives of at-risk and emancipated foster youth. Needless to say, the at-risk and emancipated youth were uninspired by their performance, and were left feeling more hopeless than ever.

“We’re still working on the feud between the Rock and Vin Diesel. I’m sure you know the story, but it’s an especially instructive tale, so let me remind us all. The Rock had gotten out in front of the narrative by talking publicly about how much of an asshole Diesel had been while filming The Fate of the Furious. 

“More recently, Diesel had tried to regain control of the feud by claiming that the issue had actually been that the Rock wasn’t a very good actor, and that he hadn’t liked Diesel’s methods as one of the producers on The Fate of the Furious to try to draw out a better performance. This had only made matters worse for him; no one believed him, not to mention that everyone likes the Rock more anyway. This was an especially bitter pill for Vin Diesel to swallow, since he had been acting for much longer and no matter how hard he tried, he could not rekindle early 2000s successes. 

“The Rock had then delivered a crushing blow by revealing that their discord had actually begun when Diesel was trying to talk about liminality on set to sound smart, and the Rock had told him that he was using the term incorrectly. 

“During liminal periods of all kinds,” the Rock had explained, holding a finger up didactically, “social hierarchies may be reversed or temporarily dissolved, continuity of tradition may become uncertain, and future outcomes once taken for granted may be thrown into doubt. The dissolution of order during liminality creates a fluid, malleable situation that enables new institutions and customs to become established.” It was days before Diesel would show his face on set again.

“I could go on,” James twinkled, “but more importantly. I think I can help you.”

“Help me what?” Fenn asked. “I’m not a celebrity, and I’m not feuding with anyone.”

“Whoa there! Nick, you didn’t tell me Fenn was so humble! Come on, we’re all celebrities here. Obviously you became a celebrity when your Bullshit Oracle stunts went viral. You have more Instagram followers than the Rock!” Fenn gaped. This was absurd. They hadn’t posted anything to Instagram in at least 2 years. James continued, “And since my support group has been so successful, there just weren’t as many celebrity feuds around, and I started branching out to include influencerpreneurs. Like your arch-nemesis, Gordon. After that whole pirate ship piquette debacle, Gordon’s dissertation skyrocketed to the top of the New York Times bestseller list, both fiction and non-fiction. It’s a true modern classic, completely unclassifiable. Then of course there’s the cape thing; Gordon’s been featured in countless the New York Times style thinkpieces lately about capes – whether and how to pop the collar – fake teeth – day-glo or classic white – and an updated The Art of the Roll – about sock-rolling! He’s a modern-day Coco Chanel for the masses!

“Side note, I know that Gordon’s stance on celebrity feuds is a little unorthodox… Gordon actually encourages feuds because, and I quote, celebrity feuds are aerating the soil of the contemporary late postmodern entertainment industrial complex, so that nutrients can more easily reach the roots of spreading meaningful messages and promoting positive change, enabling savvy influencerpreneurs to produce the piquette of popular opinion. 

“So I thought that Gordon wouldn’t be amenable to attending a support group meeting… turns out he’s a little starstruck by yours truly, so he’s agreed to meet.” James looked incredibly proud. 

PS. So far Fenn is saying no, they will not go to the Celebrity Feud Support Group. Will something happen to change their mind?