A VIP WiFi Coordinator rises from the ashes

 One of the great things about having no word count goals is I can share my entire day's worth of writing with you. 

Some of this might look familiar.

Chapter 2.

MEMORANDUM

To: Employees of Jackie’s Place

From: McDreamy Penneyworth, VIP WiFi Coordinator

Date: July 1, 2025

Subject: Return to Office 5km “Marathon”

As head of your Ad Hoc WiFi Coordination and Contemplation Committee, it is my solemn duty to inform you that all employees must return to the office full time. While a “work from the workplace” strategy made sense during the initial phases of the pandemic, we have found that our employees are too efficient, too happy, too fulfilled and have far to high levels of job satisfaction with the current “work from the workplace” vs “work from office” balance. What’s more, it has come to our attention that many of our employees have been serving alcoholic beverages in the workplace, despite alcohol being explicitly prohibited by Employee Handbook Section 4.20 [the clause commonly known as The Make Professionalism Safe For Men Again Act (TMPSMAA)]. In order to re-assert the Capitalistic-Masochistic order and maintain the high levels of drudgery that are expected in late stage neoliberalism, the Ad Hoc committee is revoking any and all “work from the workplace” permissions with immediate effect. No exceptions.

In order to soften the blow, we are hosting a mandatory “Return to Office 5km Marathon” in October. Running, as I am sure you are aware, not only improves cardiovascular fitness, but improves stress levels, mood and sleep. Therefore, running will be prohibited in our Return to Office 5km Marathon. Instead, employees will propel themselves on planks of wood placed delicately atop two remote control cars. All employees will be required to participate in the “Return to Office 5km Marathon”. To support your training, we will have mandatory office lunch ‘runs,’ which will be organized by Chuck in HR. Look out for future memos from Chuck in the near future.

GOVERN YOURSELVES ACCORDINGLY

McDreamy Penneyworth

ChairMAN of your Ad Hoc WiFi Coordination and Contemplation Committee

VIP WiFi Coordinator (formerly known as VIP WiFi Salesman before Chuck in HR (classic beta male) ruined everything)

Chapter 3

Keynote speech at the “Kickoff Party for ““Return to Office 5km ‘Marathon’” Training Week””

Speaker: McDreamy Penneyworth

Chair of WiFi Troubleshooting Committee

VIP WiFi Coordinator

To any employee who thinks men cannot be feminists: I think  that you would benefit from learning about the unconscious and the psychological defense of projections and transferences that emanate from the unconscious of a person, especially one with a highly dysregulated nervous system. I am a human being too — I have done it and can do it (still do it at times) and that’s why I know about it experientially. It’s also why I speak to the need for grace often (as well as accountability). Believe it or not (and that is a literal statement because I really don’t think you can believe it at this point in your life), I extend a great deal of grace to you. But that does not mean I am going to take on crap that you are trying to offload on to me. Nor am I going to just be a wallflower as a Chair MAN of the most mission-critical ad hoc committee this organization has ever seen. Because you have been working in an all-female environment for so long, it’s quite possible that you (and others) take the masculine energy that I at times emanate as a threat, when there is no threat. But you perceive it as so. I’m sorry about that and I can be mindful of behaviors but I am not going to sit in analysis paralysis while we try to adjust to the chaos left behind in the emotional wake of the Kickoff Party for the “”Return to Office 5km ‘Marathon’” Training Week.”

And my decision’s final.

Mic drop