Jackie's Place lore
MEMORANDUM
To: everyone@jackiesplacesecrethq.org
From: Jackie Bauer, SQ967241.
Date: August 17, 2025
Subject: Return to Office 5km “Marathon”
The Ad Hoc Advisory Board to the VIP Wifi Coordination Team has uncovered some uncomfortable truths.
1. Senior Leadership claims that Cody Simpson's Own Artisanal Cheese Puffs are not only perfect for fuelling their genius, they are the perfect fuel for your long runs. And by long runs we mean your long journeys on planks of wood placed delicately atop two remote control cars.
2. I know you will not mind my digression into a fun story of the provenance of this very special nosh.
Cody Simpson is a well known figure in both the music industry and swimming world. His teammates on Australian Olympic swim team used to always joke that his abs were so ‘great’ you could ‘grate’ cheese on them. It turns out the joke was on them! Not only can you grate cheese, his abs are so powerful that the cheese instantly turns to dust! Every grain of cheese dust on his artisanal cheese puffs has been grated by these very abs you see in this unsettling promotional photo.
3. Jackie’s Place has exclusive rights to sell Cody Simpson’s Own Artisanal Puffs.
4. "Some call me dad, others call me hero" pink frilly apron order has been 'revised' following an 'infiltration' of Windigo Esmort's online store. Aprons will now be twice as pink, twice as frilly, and will read: "Some call me dad, others call me hero, but you may call me asshole."
5. Head Office has never heard of Gordon the Vampyre. Actually, they'd never even heard the word Vampyre. Or so they want us to believe. We pry open our senses.
6. Classic Pizzas in a Jars have been swapped out for Classic Butters Tarts. Marinated carrots, white onions, mushrooms, fresh coriander, mozzarella, and avocado sauce
Call the tip line if you've got more.
SQ967241
I can't decide what I love most about this. The instructions around the changes to the apron order, the fact that Jackie managed to score exclusive rights to the cheese puffs, the denial of Gordon. Absolute brilliance!
ReplyDeleteEach point in this memo is funnier than the last, culminating in the classic butter tart - which sounds so so so disgusting. Excellent photoshop work. It is both creepy and alluring, kind of like a perfectly dropped wink.
ReplyDeleteI’m so unsettled by the promotional image, those abs are way too powerful. I genuinely believe that they would turn most anything into dust, including my eyes. The glistening skin was a nice touch.
ReplyDeleteI'm screaming with joy. Love everything about this!
ReplyDeleteWhat a brilliant memo. Aside from the fact that it is "carrottes," not carrots. Govern yourselves accordingly.
ReplyDeleteThe apron is genius. All of this is genius. Incredible photoshopping. I love that Jackie's Place is the only place that can sell the cheese puffs.